Nothing has been the same. I haven't been to church in literally a month of Sundays. There are valid reasons, including travel, illness, etc. I guess I am struggling with a lot of things since returning back home from Max' funeral.
I have never been a home-body! I am coming to terms with the fact that I left. I have always looked at it like I left Arkansas, so I could further my career... further my life because I met the man of my dreams in Indiana. But my 2 recent visits to see and celebrate Max made me realize... I left people. People I LOVE behind... and I barely looked back. In fact, I did not look back at all until Facebook came along. It was fun to see their faces and be able to see what they're up to. Max became sick and I went home. I watched and worried from afar for 5 months, and wanted to visit immediately - but I felt so stupid for being so concerned (when I had not been around for 20 years). I had begun to blabber to my husband about my memories of Max and the whole family. I started to re-connect with those memories of being a part of that family. Or better stated: That family being a part of me. The more I realized how important they were to me, the worse I felt about how little I've been around. I was afraid they would think I was some weird stalker who hadn't been around for years, and showed up acting all concerned. When she sent the text that it was time to say goodbye, my heart sank.
I was so relieved when she invited me to come visit before he passed. So I flew out immediately. (which is something I've never really done) I went to support Alisha, but I overwhelmingly realized that I LOVED those people--who I walked away from 20 years before. (I don't mean to sound like I didn't love them all this time... but I began to realize my actions had not shown my love.) The 2-days flew by. I didn't see anyone else. Just flew in and out to see Max and Alisha. While there, When he passed a few days later; I had this NEED to go to the funeral. I knew no one expected me to be there, because we live so far away, but for some reason I just HAD to go. My amazing husband knew I HAD to go before I did! I had no intentions of traveling back because it didn't make sense, but Jim offered that it was ok to go. We drove 17 hours straight in one-day to get there. I drove most of that trip, by myself. At first, I was not sure how I did that. Now I know: it was a matter of heart.
Max brought "Tammy" home to visit...but he reminded my HEART that I deeply LOVE HOME. I DEEPLY LOVE PEOPLE THERE. My heart has been reminded that it is intrinsically weaved to the people I grew up with. The people, events and places that made me who I am. Now, I can barely look at my Facebook feed, because I see it through a different filter! On the way home, I cried from Springdale to Little Rock--unable to express to Jim why I was crying. It all started by looking at my Facebook feed. There they were. People from Arkansas and Indiana who had major life moments: Friends who's son is going into the military (I painted a mural on his wall when he was Greysons age), nephew and nieces in sports, our nephew in a major play at his school, friends and family from Indiana whom I love and miss dearly. I realized that I had begun to miss them less. I had begun to think about them a little bit less... and it HIT ME that I was in danger of finding myself in this SAME SITUATION with people who hold a piece of my heart in Indiana!
Over that week-long visit to Arkansas, I saw that I missed grilling out, graduations, dance recitals, birthdays, visiting and just enjoying small moments! Those little giggles and silly moments are truly the ones that matter. I barely remember who was present at "important" times that we all get dressed up for-- but I remember the first Superbowl party Jim and I threw in our new house, 12 years ago! Shania Twain's half-time show provided one of the best photo's-ever. After after celebrating Max's life it became so clear - the memories we hold of people are of the non-scripted and unplanned moments.
As I flipped through that Facebook feed, I realized: I missed dance recitals and baseball games. Things you do with the people you care about. I slowly started to discover that I, not only, missed these things with my longest-ever friend; but I had missed these things with other friends and worse- family! Cousins kids who I barely know who have graduated and now have babies of their own. I missed my grandparents operating their road-side fruit stand, fishing trips, the day their dog of 16 years passed away and helping them move as they downsized into their last home-ever. I even discovered that I had missed 20 years of being proud of the beautiful flowers in my Mom's garden (and the chance to walk that garden with my Grandma before she passed). I had missed SO much! So, as we have returned to Virginia (which I cant bring myself to call "home", since arriving back here) I discovered that my heart strings are so very intrinsically weaved into all of those people's lives I've known and I am so confused!
I have this overwhelming feeling that we need to move to Arkansas… or back to Indiana… but yet; we return to Virginia to an amazing community of people who have literally opened their arms and lives to us the past 3 years in such an overwhelming way. They didn’t know us at all… and yet they have watched our kids they barely knew, without asking for a dime. They have supported our business and they have prayed and loved us without getting much in return. They have helped us find housing and literally these people have moved our entire house 2 times while Jim was in the hospital. There are people who packed boxes to move us, whom I haven’t event met. We moved here having lost everything we had built in 10 years of marriage and life… and had almost nothing. We knew no one. It was due to an overwhelmingly strange, yet very clear message from God; to move here. It was like we were the modern-day Job and Lott all combined into one story. It was so very overwhelming and uncomfortable – but we did it anyway.
When we moved God gave us this strange euphoric rest. It felt like I got to rest for months, when it was actually just days. (in fact, you'll see the post below this one) The relief of having new streets to wonder and the most beautiful and breathtaking views was like an overwhelming view that God was going to make good on His promise of blessing us for acting on faith and doing what He asked.
Little did we know that that move would result in the local hospital literally saving Jim’s life. When they saved his life, they saved mine. Because no matter how annoyed I get at Jim and his quirks; there could never be another man for me. These people in Virginia SAVED OUR FAMILY. They met us in every area of need that we had: Medically, Financially, Physically and most important Spiritually.
As I write this; it is the 3rd Anniversary of our company. We have had a wonderful group of people support our business, here. Lovely people have come and gone. Some are gone because they were so overwhelmed by our lives. I must admit that I have begged God for a BREAK. Begged him for some rest. For something to go right. It took me a long time to realize that I was not going to get a break. You see, for God to give us back everything that we had to lose; so He could save our family – we couldn't rest. We are not back to the same place financially. We have a long way to go, to get there... but we have what we need.
The past 3 years feel like 10 years and I am exhausted. In this microwaved process of all that has happened in the past 3-years; It has been literally impossible for me to give all these amazing people here in Virginia the appreciation, love and attention they deserve.
That means our beloved friends and family, from Indiana (who once were our world) have gotten even less from us.
And those who made us who we are; in Arkansas and Kentucky have gotten even less.
So right now, I am confused. My heart has been awakened by the love that I have for the people we once shared daily life with. I want to be sitting in the living room of all my friends and family, personally catching up with them. I want to be with all of them.
I can’t be in Arkansas, Indiana and Virginia at the same time; yet pieces of my heart are in all 3 places.
For that reason, I am sad and I do not know what to do.
But trust that God has a plan... and He will help me through this, too.
And so, Max, who showed me as a very young girl what success looked like. The man who left a legacy of service to our country and helping others selflessly since the age of 14; Who lived life to the fullest smiling and laughing all the way; Who parented any kid who came in his zone; Who showed all his "kids" to have fun safely; Who also offered forgiveness when we screwed up; Who flirted with everyone, but loved his wife for life just grabbed hold of my heart strings and has stretched them all out.
He has reminded me that I need to LOVE better.
(baby steps... because right now, I don't even want to leave the house)
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Sunday, July 1, 2012
I found my blog
We won free tickets to the Ballet in our first week of moving here!
We participate in the national pass-time.
We walk to school.
85% of our trees have flowers on them.
Our neighbors walk their kids to school... and do many other cool things. We love them.
Did I mention the fabulous flowering trees?
We go to Church and our house is well decorated
We see beautiful sunrises!
... and bumble bees pose for pictures...
The kids sing songs like: "She'll be coming around the mountain" and
"God Bless America" for Grandparents day.
Here... lamposts are old... and pretty.
Our neighbors live in cottages...
...and so do we...
... here we have less, but it is MORE beautiful and
we are more often reminded of Gods' promises...
Our towns are quaint...
I have artworks displayed in local art shows.
We play outside... a lot.
We hang out with new friends...
We let our hair down...
We paint with friends... at fun places...
We swim and we splash.
We play in the creek.
We chill...
We play at the beach
WE watch at the beach...
We love it in Virginia.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Happy Birthday, Dino Princess!
Jasmine Elizabeth
Princess
of Dinosaurs!
Today, 4 years ago, we welcomed our little girl into this world. She was just as adorable as can be. 10 tiny toes. 10 tiny fingers. I was very nervous to be bringing a daughter into our family! I knew how important my role as a parent would be, to her. Althought important to Greyson (our 18 month old son), I knew that the same sex parent is the most important role model to a child. After all, I had heard Dr Phil say that over and over and over!
Its funny to me, to look back on how having a little girl has changed... ME. Before the birth of this little girl, her mommy:- Never wore pink - it just was too "girly" of a color for me. One of my earliest memories was of not liking pink. I only liked purple. That was as "girly" as I would get.
- I didn't own much jewelry. That girly stuff was for everyone else. I was too busy working, hiking, singing karoke and living life to worry about putting on some jewelry. Plus it was really just irritating to wear; always getting in my way.
- I was in the boyz club. I hung out with the boyz and didn't have many girlfriends. They were always caddy and mean, anyway.
Here came this little princess and I decided "If I'm going to have a girl, I better start acting like a girl." So, here I am world... 4 years later. Just as prissy as can be. I wonder how my life would have been different if it were just me and my 2 boys. It would have been less complex; but it would not have been so pretty. And it's definitely MUCH different than I had imagined!
My little princess Jasmine is completely enamorated by dinosaurs, worms, bugs, dragons, snakes and any other imaginable creature (that a princess would hate). She is excited for Halloween. So much that she's excited for her birthday to be over... so Halloween can come. She knows exactly what she wants. and What she doesn't want. Like dolls for instance. She pushes them away, like they are some... um... lizzard or dinosaur! She's the one person in our family who will turn away a diet soda and say "I don't want soda, my body needs water." But yet, she absolutely incists on pizza for breakfast. She knows what she wants... and what she doesnt want and I dare you to give her different.
She chose to goto SAM's Club for pizza at 10:00 am. While we were in SAM's Club (where she was able to be in charge) and she chose to grocery shop. She made some very thoughtful food purchases: chips, Nestle Quik, granola bars, etc. We asked her if she would like to go look at the toys. She said "We don't need toys, we need food." When we were picking out her birthday cake and came across the Disney Princess page, she said: "I do NOT want a princess cake. I want a Dinosaur cake." The closest to a dinosaur cake I could find was Barney. She made me proud by saying, "I don't like that silly purple dinosaur."
We are on the edge of our seats to see what this little one will do next.
I thank God for the gift of Jasmine.
I always will.... (I think)
Happy Birthday, Dino Princess Jasmine!Love, Mommy
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